Category: Comics

Ayo… what you bringin’ to the potluck, Sandy? A platter of cured meats. Cool. Really nice of you to cure ’em before you feed ’em to us. Prosciutto? No… amateur-sciutto. Also, pastrami. Way, way past. Read more →

She seems like a smart girl. She is a smart girl. What is it that she’s studying again? Aerodynamics. See? Now that’s just silly. Now – a degree based on knowledge of Adam West’s Batman? That I could get behind. Read more →

Thankfully, he’s being brought up on animal abuse charges. That’s terrible. I love collies. I’d call mine “Culkin”. Uh… I heard myself. Calling the S.P.C.A. now to turn myself in.   Read more →

I was reading this book, and you know who doesn’t get a lot of credit? The Incas. Well, they’re basically just tracing. Woah. That’s deep. It’s like – everybody’s “just tracing”. Read more →

I can’t believe she’s getting into astrology. Venus is in Aquarius, Mars is in Leo, and Mercury is in Pisces. What does that tell you? Anything? It may be that time of the month. People usually ignore signs at the zoo. Eat less fish. There’s good reason to fear bioaccumulation. Read more →

Red Thursday. That’s a thing now. In every daily and flyer. … Next year, Tampax should promote that hashtag. Read more →

Yeah? If everybody has a talent, then what’s yours? Ventriloquism. Really? See? I can do it any time. I just need a dummy. … I could have said nothing. What then? Win. Win. Read more →

So Mickey’s just carryin’ a bat around. Seth asks him why he’s carryin’ a bat around and, as it turns out, it’s for exactly what you’d think it’s for. Smashin’ dudes. Mmm. You know, you’re no altar boy yourself. Don’t see what that’s got to do with anythin’. Plus, if I got hit that many times I’d probably get work done… Read more →

Do you think murder’s acceptable if the person you’re killing is evil? Yeah. I think so. Hmm. I didn’t expect you to say that. … Okay. Unrelated question. What’s “Red Dead Redemption” about? Read more →

Watching anything good lately? Community. Yeah. I heard that from a few people. Mmm-hmm. Not as fun since Snowden exposed us but, still, pretty entertaining. Read more →

He was putting his buddy under the bus in a suitcase. Then his pal would sneak out, steal all the valuables from other bags, and get back in. Wow. Pretty clever. I once read about a dude in Germany who shipped himself out of prison. They never found him. He’s still out there somewhere. … If he does turn up,… Read more →

When in doubt, just leave the word “breast” out of your work conversations. What’ll be great is if I go to court and wear one. Then I can say it again. I’ll say “I like a good double-breasted”. Then, after the gasps subside, “this is a sexual harassment suit”. Read more →

That movie sucked. Hard. I mean, it’s rife with historical inaccuracies. That’s your criticism of a poorly acted fantasy flick ‘bout witches, demons and exorcisms starrin’ Nicolas Cage? It would bother you more if you knew anything about Teutonic Knights. Go on. Tell me what you know about Teutonic Knights. Uh… I could drink one under the table. Read more →

Do you have any Russian dressing? No. Last week though – on Friday – at two in the morning. … He wasn’t happy about it. Read more →

Do you have ESPN, peaches? I have the latter, and, I guess, you have the former? Okay. What am I thinking of right now? … … You’re right! I’m not thinking of anything! Simply amazing. Read more →

I saw this old humidor at the flea market and was thinking I should get it for my dad’s birthday. What a weird gift. I mean, why that of all things? Plus, why not a new one that’s dry? Wow. Just wow. Read more →

I’m tired of flash drives. When are we going to see somethin’ better? Really? That’s not what you said when we hitched a ride with those topfreedom chicks. Mmm. Touché. Read more →

Yeah? Well, I didn’t like his tone, so I thumped him. What of it? Who does that? Umm… I hit him right after she did. Wow. Y’all are a couple of misfits. Thanks. Yeah. We’ve both been working out. Read more →

Really? I love everything about it. It’s probably Disney’s best film. I guess. It’s just a little too quirky for me. The music is good though. Uh-huh. Sherman Brothers. Umm… I guess I agree that they were probably on a lot of drugs, but it’s a little racist of you to assume it was some brothers. … Read more →

You see this stuff with the CDC? Yeah. It’s pretty scary. In the end I ripped all mine to MP3 and chucked the works. Read more →

She’s so sweet to me. She knows I hate that fancy stuff so she got tickets to some kind of videogame thing in December. “Handhelds Messiah”. Should be good. … You know what… You’re going to have an amazing time. Read more →