CABRASH

I watched all day on Saturday. I was really enjoying it to start, but I’m well into season three now and it’s slowly degraded into vampire smut. That’s too bad. Yeah. I know. I was hoping to diversify my viewing habits. Read more →

The guy was walking me through the different options and kept on repeating “our members”. Also, there was a poster on the wall behind him with the owner or CEO or something with the caption “every day I’m inspired by our members”. I pretty much just sat there giggling the whole time. The guy thought I was nuts. “Our staff… Read more →

It was such a good deal. Like, two fifty for a car for nine days? How can they even make any money that way? Uh? Hot-wire? Hot-wire. Hot-wire-hot-wire-hot-wire-hot-wire-hot-wire-hot-wire-hot-wire! There must be – uh – something – uh – to it? Read more →

… Red! You’ve got to help me! I’ve got a horrible kink in my neck. Your neck is kinky? What should I do? Spank it a little? Ugh! Massage my neck, dummy! This is nearly as good. I’m tickling your funny bone. Read more →

I shot eighty-three! That’s pretty flippin’ good, right? Whatever. I shot eighty-five. That’s okay, but in golf the lower score is better. Uh? Golf? Read more →

Ayo, that picture you took of Carly is, like, the best one of her I’ve ever seen. She makes faces, so when I went to pick her up I sent her a text and snapped her with the telephoto lens as she was walking from her apartment. Woah. Creeper shit. That’s nothing. You should see the ones I got of… Read more →

What’s with all the bullion in your kitchen? My horoscope said “invest in stock”. So here we are. … Just kidding! We’re having grilled teriyaki shrimp tacos! … I liked it better when I thought you were insane. Read more →

Henny? Sandy? I’ve got a joke that will knock your socks off. But, umm, we’re not wearing any socks. Hmm. Forget it. You must have already heard this one. Read more →

Some guy was handing out deodorant. Then, only a couple of blocks from there, I was given free gum. I couldn’t help but think that god was trying to tell me something. God doesn’t care about your nasty breath and body odor issues. He’s very accepting. Still, he probably appreciates a little effort. You know, “do unto others” and stuff.… Read more →

God, if you’re listening, please grant me the skill and cunning to trick Yaya into making out with me. Dude! I am right here. God, if you’re listening, please grant me the means to travel back in time. … … Damn. Read more →

This is crazy! Like – what – close to a foot? At least four feet. … Uh… Read more →

They always say that in soaps. “You’re not half the man your father was.” Well, any fool with an elementary knowledge of genetics will tell you otherwise. … “You’re approximately half the man your father was.” … “No disrespect intended.” Read more →

That party was awesome. Tim and Elisha are awesome. She’s always calling him “daddy” too! Pretty kinky stuff! How come you never call me “daddy”. She calls him “daddy” because they have a child together and that’s his role in the family. He’s “daddy” whenever Abigail is around. Cool. When we have a kid, can we do the role playing… Read more →

What’s the good word, my friend? Umm? Bamboozle? No. Wait. Wait. Circumvent. Majestic! Conglomerated! Indubitably! Intrinsic! Oh — god — getting — dizzy. Read more →

Yo! I love this tight jeans fad! It’s flippin’ awesome! Me too. We’re using too much material. This fad means less waste. So then we should probably all rock daisy dukes. That’s just ridiculous. … We should all go naked. Read more →

Laura told her that she was glowing – but I couldn’t see it. Plus, even if she was glowing, it could be a heap of things. It’s not necessarily a baby. Right? Mmm-hmm. Radon. Radium. Uranium. An unusually high concentration of phosphorescent chemicals. Some sort of demonic possession. Yup! See? … I really hope it’s a boy. Read more →

Sandra should have slugged that guy. I might, like, go visit that punk tomorrow. I just need a couple things. Gasoline and a match. It will be like that flick “Man on Fire”. Except the other dude will be on fire too. I could see that. You look just like Denzel. If he let himself go. Read more →

I think that’s a  pretty cool super power. Think of all the stuff you could do if you could alter your weight and density. Whatever. Anyone can do that. Just give me some protein powder and a couple of months. Boom. Done. Read more →

♫ What is it that you’re whistling there? What? Really? It’s “If I Only Had A Brain”. Umm… it isn’t. No lie? Wow. Read more →

Did you get some beer for the party? Two cases of Molson Export. Plus… two more cases of Molson Export. Uh-huh. You know… were not married yet. Read more →

What? You two aren’t coming? Nah… but we’ll be there in spirit. We’ve been mastering astral projection! Please put out some booster seats for our non-corporeal states. Read more →