CABRASH

It was crazy. I watched this guy eat – like – two dozen ribs. That’s gross. The man loves his swine. That’s what that is. Nah! You know what that is? Cannibalism. Read more →

I was helping Allen with his tuxedo and there seemed to be a lot of redundant fasteners on the pants. Like – a lot. Two buttons, two hooks, suspenders, and those little straps at the hips? What exactly is it that they think is going to happen? People drink a lot at weddings. I think they have the right idea.… Read more →

They marked us both as friends of the groom in the invitations, but we’ve known both of them for the same amount of time. What’s that about? You don’t know? If things don’t pan out, Carl gets you and me and whoever else they marked as a friend of the groom, and Lynn gets whoever they marked as a friend… Read more →

It’s that good? What does it even sound like? Try to imagine Elvis Presley meets Suicide meets Prince meets Iggy Pop meets Velvet Underground. … My head hurts. … I thought we were friends. Read more →

… … Uh? Why are you just sitting there staring at the television when it’s not even on? Woah! Is that what I’m doing? I’ve never seen it, but I thought this might be “Dark Blue Almost Black”. … Read more →

The doctor recommended ear molds for her for if she’s going to keep surfing – but they cost her almost a hundred bucks. I had that once. You had what once? Sorry, all I heard was “ear mold”, “doctor” and “hundred bucks”. She doesn’t have “ear mold”. Yeah? The stuff my dude gave me cleared up mine too. Mostly. Read more →

Did you hear the one about the crooked tailor who was lining his own pockets? Oh – honey – sorry. Jerry Lewis wants you to just stick to being pretty. Read more →

That was an amazing verse. I never knew Anthony was such an amazing rapper. What about my verse? Wasn’t my verse good? Aww – honey – sweetie – sugar – your verse was good too. You are a very good rapper. A very, very good rapper. Okay. Cool. I thought I was startin’ to lose my edge. Read more →

It was good, but it was so sad when Uncle Ben died. I have no idea what you’re talking about – but I can see why you would say that. Read more →

Uh… Umm… Hmm… Bee? Did you try that new shampoo we bought you? Brilliant. Read more →

I was like, “either this wallpaper goes or I do”. So you wallpapered your apartment right then? At two in the morning?   I’m still here, aren’t I? Read more →

I don’t know. I think they might be a little too high-waisted and a little too yellow. Yeah? Well I think you’re high – and wasted – and yellow. … Now, even if everyone else tells me these look awful, I’ll feel this was money well spent. Read more →

It’s almost that time of year again. Do you know what you’re getting yours? Not sure yet. Flowers probably. Spa treatment? Not sure. What about your mom? What does she like? My mom? She loves pansies. … Wow. That’s a horrible thing to say about your father. Read more →

Those things were delicious. What are they called again? Picarones. Huh. And what was in them that gives them that flavor? Anise. Huh. Was it Sadie or Deion? Read more →

Two things are certain. Death and taxes? Death and taxes. Death and taxes. Death and taxes. Death? Taxes. They go hand in hand. Mmm. Yet the murder rate in Washington continues to fall. Read more →

It’s going to be quite a bash. There’s going to be a live band and a open bar. Do you know what an open bar is? Uh… An open bar is just a pipe. Just… a pipe. … We haven’t even left yet, but you’re cut off. Read more →

It was pretty cool. The drug’s supposed to, like, reverse deafness and stuff by regenerating hair cells in your ears. So that’s what helps you hear? Ear hairs? So then, at the rate you’re going, you’re going to have the best hearing in the world. Shh! You’re talking loud. I wasn’t… Shh! Read more →

Miracle Temple and Birthdays are pretty good, but I think that Torres album beats them both. Nah. I don’t think so. What is it that we’re listening to here? Daft Punk. Really? It sounds like folk too. I meant our friend here. Read more →

Welcome to my humble dwelling! Hope you don’t need to use the washroom. Why? What’s wrong with your washroom? Nothin’. I just know what you’re capable of. Read more →

What’s with the soap in our shower? It’s got – like – dirt all up in it. It’s for exfoliating. Ah. I got it at the mall today. It’s French. Uh-huh. Ayo – I love the French – but they’re really not doing themselves any favors with that soap. Read more →

This was such a good idea! Thirty bucks each and we look just like Kara and Dualla! Dualla? I don’t know. She’s sort of petite – and you’re sort of an amazon. Yeah? Well – you have a smelly face! … I’m sorry. That’s not true. Your face smells lovely. Read more →