CABRASH

I don’t know. I know it sounds bad, but sometimes I feel like you have to look out for number one. I completely understand. … This one time, these dudes were drinking on the balcony directly above mine… Read more →

Keep playing for a couple more minutes. I’ll just use the pot and then we’ll go. Can I come? I have some papers. Uh? I was talking about the toilet. Me too. I mean – you’ve got a lot of real estate to take care of and we’re already late. You know? Read more →

I think I’ve been going through caffeine withdrawal since we said we’d quit. I haven’t quite been myself. I killed a man today. He had asked about my shirt. No sarcasm in his voice but I wasn’t in the mood to discuss it. … Uh – I mean – “me too”. Read more →

… I could really go for a Irish black lager right about now. … Red? Yeah? You have – like – really, really specific taste in men. Read more →

So what are you serving at your fancy party? Hakka cuisine, mostly. Uh… Pizza rolls and beef jerky. Oh. Cool. Read more →

Ayo! What you do last night? Watched Homeland. Ah. Yeah – hurricane season can get pretty crazy. Read more →

So… what you doing this weekend? Mowing the lawn. That’ll probably eat up most of Saturday. Right. Right. I get it. It’s like – a euphemism for – you know. Wow. No. No it isn’t. I’m actually mowing the lawn. Oh. Huh. … … Why would you think that would take me most of Saturday? Read more →

I, for one, am looking forward to Casey Affleck playing Batman. Uh – Yana… Casey. … Casey. Read more →

Do you want to go see The Conjuring? Who’s in that? Ron Livingston… so it should be pretty funny. Cool! … … … I don’t know. I think his timing was off. Read more →

I was doing some Eskrima stuff earlier today. Now – if you were to come at me – I would put you down hard. I don’t really know what Eskrima is. Will you – like – poke fun at my riding pants? It’s martial arts. Ah. Okay. Yeah. He’s a pretty good rapper. I’ve heard his diss tracks are pretty… Read more →

Ayo! You want to go to Moto while we’re here? Sorry, but I can’t. I’m grounded. You’re grounded? Aren’t you a little old to be grounded? Sorry – I meant – like – rational and sane. You should totally go though. Hmm… Read more →

So… what did you do last night? Nothing too interesting. Spent some time cleaning up registry errors. Ah. I see. … I mean, I bought what was on the list, but when I saw that china pattern I was sure it was some sort of horrible mistake. Read more →

Let’s just go to Mr. Sub. Sounds like fun – but not right now. I’m sort of hungry. Uh… Oh. Right. The sandwich place. … They’re good too. Read more →

Things are going really well, but I don’t know if we’ll ever be like you guys. You complement each other so well. That may be true. Watch this. Bee, you’re looking particularly handsome today. Yana, that is a gorgeous dress you’re wearing. You have such good taste. So convincing, right? We practice lots. Read more →

Let’s go eat. What do you feel like? Lasagna! Well – that was fast – and specific. I already had Shreddies and a Rice Krispies treat. If I have lasagna, no one can say I didn’t follow my doctor’s orders. Three square meals a day. … Read more →

You want to get some food? What? I asked if you want to get some food. Ah. Yeah. Umm – I think I need to get my ear flushed again. I can’t hear anything on my right. …   I’m going to tell everyone you have “mono”.   What?   Nothin’. Read more →

What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on? Hmm? Hmm-hmm-hmm? He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it. He’s a funny guy. Uh-huh. Mostly it’s his face. Read more →

Yeah, I’ll admit it’s a bit of a change. I’m not entirely happy with it. Okay. I thought it was just me. I mean, look how ugly and lopsided it is. Uh… I was just talking about the color. It’s been cut like this for two weeks. I’m… so sorry. No problem. It’s fine. Don’t lose any sleep over it.… Read more →

The what? The Cocteau Trilogy. Oh. Yeah. That’s – like – one part kirschwasser, one part cognac, one part orange juice. Not that. I meant Philip Glass. Don’t worry. I’m always a very generous pourer. Read more →

I realised it was “kit and caboodle” rather than “kitten caboodle” after all these years. Slightly embarrassing – but I doubt anyone noticed one way or the other. You’re still single. Maybe it’ll end up “kitten caboodle” after all. Read more →

Did you send me those Flash files? Yup. Should be in your inbox. … That’s very creative, but I really didn’t need to see that. Read more →